If you’re going through heartbreak, I’ve got you covered.
To put your mind at ease, I believe my heartbreak experiences have made me break-up savvy.
I truly believe I’m an expert in this area.
As with any experience in life, I can look back now and be thankful for the horrendous breakups I went through because my experience can now help you.
Firstly, I’ve opened this blog post in a light hearted, jokey manner, but please don’t think I don’t know what you’re going through.
I’ve been there.
It can literally feel like your world is ending and is similar to grief. Except to some extent, it can be worse than grief (sometimes) because the person is still living and breathing.
Below I’m going to take you through 13 break up tips that I would like you to try and follow, knowing that I have your best interests at heart.
When you’re going through heart break it’s hard to see things clearly, it’s tempting to make bad decisions and I don’t want you to do that.
Here we go:
- Remain Calm
I remember the cold, hard panic that would engulf me first thing in the morning, the day after a break up.
It was horrible.
The realisation that my hopes and dreams were 100% entangled with the man who had dumped me the day before.
The panic, would normally result in me calling into work sick and chain calling said man to plead (sometimes beg) that I needed to see him.
To be fair to me (and to you if you’re going through this now), it’s the shock that initially causes the panic, particularly if you didn’t see it coming and particularly if there is a third party involved.
However, what I learnt was this:
It doesn’t matter how much you’re hurting, how upset you are, you must try and keep your sh*t together. You absolutely must. Trust me, when you look back on your heartbreak, you will regret it if you don’t. Of course, you are going to be upset, but don’t let heartbreak temporarily destroy your life. Grieve & cry, but do it in private or with the appropriate people.
I know this may sound harsh, but I’ve been there and done it and come out the other side looking ridiculous. To some extent, no we shouldn’t care what other people think, however, it can be dangerous, particularly if it affects you professionally.
So, tip 1, is remain calm and try carry-on with your normal routine.
- Know Life Will Be Good Again
If you’re in the depths of despair, it’s hard to keep the faith.
However, I can’t stress enough that how you’re feeling now does go and life will be good again.
Many people going through a breakup believe that they will never feel this way about someone ever again.
You will. You will. You will.
- Do Not Contact Your Ex EVER
This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give you.
If kids are involved, I accept that this isn’t possible, but if kids are not involved, after your ex has ended the relationship and the practical “things” have been taken care of, you are not to contact them under any circumstances.
Your emotions will try to get the better of you and particularly after a drink, you are going to think contacting them is the best thing you can do, it NEVER IS.
You can rationalise this as much you want, come up with valid excuses as to why you must make contact, but that’s exactly what they are, excuses.
He has ended the relationship, respect his wishes and leave him alone.
If kids are involved, keep the contact to your kid’s affairs only.
Just know, that making contact with your ex 99.9% of the time will be the wrong thing to do. If you’re tempted to contact him, contact your break up buddy (see below).
- Break Up Buddy
Get yourself someone who is going to support you through this, friends or family.
Ask them to be your break up buddy and until you feel better, would they mind being your first point of contact when you’re feeling rubbish? More importantly can you call them when you feel tempted to contact the ex!
Ok, so I’m not selling it particularly well, but you get my point. This will probably happen organically anyway without the need to ask.
It’s important to have someone you trust to talk too and to be your sanity check. You are not going to be thinking straight, so it’s good to have someone on hand whose advice you can get.
- Alcohol Strategy
Before you embark on any form of alcohol therapy make sure you give your phone to a friend and make sure the company you are with know that (as far as they can) they are not to let you contact your Ex in a drunken state.
It NEVER ends well. Ever.
- Read It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken
I wished I had known about this book in my earlier break ups. It’s bloody brilliant. Written by Greg Behrendt (the man who also wrote “He’s Just Not into You” and his wife Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt), they provide you with no nonsense advice as to how you need to handle your break-up. It helped me enormously and it’s a book I’ve since recommended to Clients who have concurred how good it is.
Go and buy yourself a copy today!
- See a Therapist
Break Up Buddy aside, I can’t stress highly enough how effective going to see a professional Therapist will be for you. Oddly, this was a route I didn’t go down, but now as a Coach it seems such an obvious thing to do.
If your finding heartbreak hard (and don’t want to irritate your Break Up Buddy too much) consult with the professionals. They are super qualified and will help you work through the break up better than you would on your own.
Invest in you and pay a professional to help you. If funds are short and you’re really struggling, ask to be referred by your GP for talking therapy.
- Do Not Be Available to Your Ex
When you’re in the throes of heartbreak and your ex makes contact for whatever reason, it’s tempting to make yourself available to them. Hell, you will probably sprint from one end of the country to the other if they asked you BUT as tempting as it is to want to see this person, DO NOT. If you’ve been dumped and your ex is making contact, it’s probably because they’re bored, drunk or maybe they are legitimately missing you, I don’t know, but the fact of the matter is when they ended the relationship, they ended their right to have any form of access to you.
You may feel that perhaps they want to get back with you.
They don’t and 9 times out of 10 they won’t. It will be a moment of weakness for them that will seriously knock back your recovery process. Do not be available to them.
- Do Not Stalk Them
It’s tempting to try and keep tabs on your ex, may be drive past their home, “bump into them” socially, ask mutual friends, or stalk them over social media etc but not only does this delay your recovery, it can make you look sad. I’m sure you know this, but when desperation hits, or even worse boredom, it’s tempting to go out and try and find out all the gory details, knowing it’s going to hurt you. Or maybe you find out something that gives you hope that he or she is going to come back, only for your hopes to come crashing down a few weeks later.
Stay strong, keep your dignity and over time this desire will evaporate.
I clearly remember after each break-up thinking or holding onto the hope that my ex would see the error of his ways and would come running back. Now ironically, many of them did, but years later, however, not after the break up. If that makes sense?
What I’m trying to say is, when your ex enforces the breakup, then accept that it’s the end right from the get go. Go through the pain, hurt, disbelief in the beginning and let go of any notion that they are going to come back.
They won’t. If they’ve initiated the break-up it’s because it’s over for them and very rarely will this result in them wanting to reunite.
Discipline yourself from the beginning in accepting that it’s over. In the long run, it will help you recover quickly.
- Get Fit
Get up, get out and exercise him or her out of your mind. It works. Aim to fit in four to five work outs per week and I can guarantee you’re going to start to feel better. Ok, it won’t magically fix the heartbreak, but it will make you feel a little bit better, whilst transforming your body along the way. We know that exercise releases feel good chemicals in your mind, it can also bring you clarity help you feel calmer.
Go and join a gym, hire a PT or go for a run etc. Just get your body moving. You will feel better.
12. Make Plans
Make sure you forward plan, particularly weekends, so you have company or something to look forward too. If you don’t make plans, you may find yourself becoming lonely, upset or bored and this is when it’s tempting to make contact with your ex.
If you find yourself at lose end, then again, forward plan and make sure you have back up dvds to watch, or magazines to read or maybe a course on line to do. Another good idea is to have a list of places you can go on your own to ease loneliness or boredom: art galleries etc.
It’s up to you to take responsibility and not expect friends and family to run around after you.
- Give It Time
Give yourself a break, it will take time to get over a relationship breakup, so don’t expect to be ok after a few months, it’s probably not realistic. You may be fine after a few months, but you probably won’t and that’s absolutely fine. If you’ve been in a serious relationship, the breakup process is similar to grief, so don’t under estimate its impact.
I’m saying this to make you feel better, not to depress you. It’s important that I stress how upsetting a breakup can be and the recovery is personal to you.
Sometimes you will compare your recovery to how a friend has recovered for example and it can make you feel even worse if you feel you are not coping as well.
Your recovery is personal to you, however, if you’re finding the breakup process debilitating, to the point that you can’t function, then you need to go and visit your GP or see a Therapist.
I hope this has helped you.
I know the advice may seem harsh, but I promise you it’s coming from a good place and it comes from experience.
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