How much sex is normal? I’ve got this theory (unproven) that many women are simply not interested in sex.
I’m absolutely convinced that after a certain period of time, the sex in a long term relationship is not just infrequent, but non-existent.
I can’t personally comment in this particular area because (a) I haven’t been married for very long and (b) we are trying for babies. But over the years, I’ve been picking up a general vibe from fellow women that they are not bothered by sex.
To be clear, I mean I’ve had these conversations with A LOT of women.
They don’t have sex.
They don’t want sex.
I’m not qualified to comment as to whether feeling this way is normal or not, but what’s classed as normal anyway?
Personally, I think lack of sex drive is a symptom of modern society, the pressure is too much and women are simply KNACKERED!
Particularly after children come along.
Does any of this ring true for you and what’s the solution?
Does there even need to be a solution?
I’m not sure on both questions, but I do have a few tips that may help you and make you feel better about the sex situ:
- I recently hosted a podcast with a wonderful Sex Therapist called Lorraine McGinlay and one simple piece of advice she gives, is that there is no normal when it comes to frequency of sex. As a couple, you decide your normal amount. Don’t compare yourselves to anyone else. It’s a pointless exercise. Oh and lack of sex drive is one of the most common issues she deals with in her clinic.
- Talk to your Partner McGinlay says. Lack of sex can be like an elephant in the room in a relationship. Don’t avoid it. Talk about it. Understand what’s going on with both of you.
- Do you have any sex drive at all? Or is it that you have no sex drive when it comes to your Partner? If it’s the latter you need to investigate further, particularly if you’re lusting after someone else………….
- Lack of sex drive can be a symptom of other things like depression or a physical issue that makes sex unfulfilling. Don’t cope with this alone, go and speak to your GP.
- Ageing can sometimes be a factor behind a low sex drive. Not always, but sometimes. It may be that your hormone levels are decreasing and something like HRT may miraculously brings back your sex drive. I’ve heard this a few times.
- Contraception can reduce sex drive. Did you know that? I’m not qualified in this area so won’t say too much more, but certain brands of the pill have been directly linked to reduced sex drive. So, check it out with your GP.
- Exercise! I know I pull exercise out on virtually every blog post but it’s because it helps soooo many things! Exercise is going to boost not only your confidence and self-esteem, but it also boosts those feel good chemicals in the brain which will help to improve your sex drive.
- Identify the things that are causing you stress and deal with them. Obviously, there is far more to this, but I’m encouraging you to get rid of the stressors in your life. Get professional help where needed. If finances are causing you stress for example, go and see a Financial Advisor.
- Invest in your relationship. Make the effort. Try and get that connection back. Get a babysitter and go out and have a good time. Make sure you make each other a priority.
- Herbal remedies are a fantastic way to boost sex drive. Brilliant herbs are Ginkgo Biloba or Maca for example. Pop down to your local health food shop and ask their advice on what you can take for increased energy or to boost your sex drive. If you’re in the Berkshire area, I’m in love with my local herbal shop called Natures Corner, they are absolutely brilliant and I highly recommend them.
- Go and see a Sex Therapist. Don’t be embarrassed, they are experts in this area and have heard it all. They can help to clarify what’s going on and will professionally advise you both
Finally, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!
Don’t feel inadequate or abnormal, you are perfectly NORMAL.
You’ve got a lot on your plate, congratulate yourself with how well you’re doing juggling life and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
I’ve given you some tips above to help you, but under no circumstances am I encouraging you to artificially “feel” something you’re not.
The tips I’ve outlined are avenues you can explore if you want too.
You don’t have too.
I just wanted you to know, there are LOADS of women out there who feel exactly the same as you.
I hope this helped you.
Resources that may be of interest to you are: